27 April 2010

Cookin' With Coolio

I own my share (actually, more than my share) of prissy cookbooks, Junior League/church fundraisers, overwrought chef's tomes and even The Joy of Cooing, but if you want to find true joy in cooking look no further than rapper Coolio.

Now let me just say here that Coolio is no Elsie de Wolfe or Julia Child, but neither of them can par-tay in the kitchen like Coolio. Seriously, this ain't Mama's cookbook. And, yes, it may seem like a big old gimmick save for one thing ... Coolio can cook. Seriously, that rapper can cook like a mother fucker. As Coolio will tell us:

I can take a cow out of Compton and make it taste better than Kobe beef at your favorite steakhouse.


Of his late mother, Jackie, Coolio says:

Her fried chicken would literally put on tennis shoes and run the fuck into your mouth.

So when the young Coolio slipped into the kitchen one day and had his dinner get away from him, burning the carpet he waited for her to return, "like I was on death row." When she arrived home Coolio says, two things happened:

1. I got a whooping I wouldn't forget for a long time.
2. After I healed, my Mom said, "Okay, smartass. You want to learn how to cook? All right, you're gonna learn how to cook!"

From that day forward, Coolio never ate a meal he didn't help make.

Once again, I must warn you, Coolio is a rapper. He has little patience with women who don't eat meat (or women in general, remember he is a rapper) but he acquiesces to their needs in a chapter he calls, "Salad-Eatin' Bitches." He has a recipe for a Caprase Salad that he promises will make a woman drop her panties. I warned you! For those of you who do eat meat...

Your Ribs Is Too Short to Box with God

What you will need:

3 pounds beef short ribs
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 medium white onion, chopped
1 cup beer or water
3 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
1 dime bag salt
1 dime bag pepper
1 cup barbecue sauce

What to do with it:

1. Preheat your oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit.

2. Place those ribs in a large roasting pan.

3. Toss in the garlic, onion, beer (or water for all you friends of Bill), and balsamic vinegar.

4. Empty your dime bags of salt and pepper into the mix.

5. Throw a lid on that concoction and slide it into the oven like it's about to be incinerated.

6. Cook for 45 to 50 minutes.

7. Pull out the pan and slop on the barbecue sauce. Get that all over the meat. Make it look like a horror movie.

8. Re-cover the pan and place it back in the crematorium for 20 to 25 minutes.

9. Even the most agnostic guests will think they died and went to heaven. That's when God's gonna sucker punch them and make them born again--at least until they are done eatin'.


Seriously, funny and good food! If you want to check out Coolio in the kitchen, you can find his video's here.

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